Not Bored in New York

Time is not even a recognizable process as I seem to acquired such a multitude of tasks that they exceed the perceivable engagements of my socio-somatic existence; somewhere amidst the activities that engulf me my life transpires. Within the bedlem I seem to have effectively lost track of most of the known methods for orienting myself in quotidian affairs so that I feel a bit unstable. It’s somewhat comical because that was my ultimate intention in coming to graduate school, to put myself into a situation that would challenge me thoroughly while simultaneously removing the majority of places,persons, and practices that constitute my safety net; mission accomplished. I am not stable amidst this restructuring, but I seem to be sufficiently oriented, so I can’t be far from stability.
Now, I have not–for some time–thought of myself as religious until recent weeks. In my studies I have had my apathy confronted repeatedly, and I have had to truly consider where it comes from and why it exists. I have arrived at the conclusion–not one that I crafted–that religion is any device that allows a human being to disengage the chaos of the conemplation of unresolvable existential crises in life. I am a religious person. My religion is not so much a thing with a name as a plasticine method informed by what can easily be refered to as taoism. I am not a taoist, and I am not apathetic, it just sems that way. I willingly accept–and in ways craft–my inability to assume an overt agenda, or the disposition that I should be the supreme governonr of my body and its engaged systems. Thus, in my current academic setting I am finding my ‘religion’ pitted against a system that posits its rupture so I must either re-constitute my religion or re-form it. While my initial response is a sliver of panic the ultimate outcome of this challenge is that I have reached a point wherein the methods that I use to interact with Earth life are insufficient, which is necessairly the predicate of change, specifically change that reveals a vaster finitude. The thing about tstructures is that they only exists for as long as we remain within the realm that constitutes the structure, thereby any measure of ‘growth’ necessarily calls for deconstrution/reification in order for the structure to continue in its applicability. Alas, while I piddle about this life-matirx migraine that I have created I am engaged in the very thing I need most. Perhaps my smile is in my navigation.